14 years later...

14 years ago yesterday, I married the man that I called my soul mate. I always thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. But, God had other plans for me. It has been over a year since Erik told me that he wanted a divorce and when our anniversary came around last year, I was fighting my hardest to keep my marriage together. Little did I know, it was a lost cause. He had already moved on. He had been having an affair for the last two years.

Even though I have lost my marriage, I have gained so much. I have so many close friends. I have the strength and courage that I didn't have a year ago. I have a faith in God that things will be better. I also have the knowledge that I am worthy and that is something that I have needed since I have been in this emotionally destructive marriage. A marriage where I was controlled and felt like I was worthless.

Tuesday night, I was texting my dear best friend Sarah. I told her that I felt like my anniversary was going to hit me harder than expected. She said, "It won't be easy. This is the year of the firsts. One step at a time." Everyday is like that. One step, one day, one hour and sometimes even one minute at a time. I don't know what I would have done without my friends these last 4 months.

It's not like I was sad or upset yesterday. I think that I just felt lost. I've had to grieve over what I thought my life would be like. I had to give up the dream that we were going to grow old together and buy a house in the Outer Banks to retire to. That we were going to dance at our sons' weddings and babysit our grand babies. Life doesn't always look like what we thought it would. And I'm ok with that.

The other night one of my favorite movies was on--Under the Tuscan Sun. When I heard this quote, it really summed up what I have been feeling.

“Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.”

― Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun

A post to the man who will never be my boys' grandfather

At the end of last year when my oldest turned 11, I became anxious, Anxious to the point of looking around every corner to see what was coming my way. But, I finally figured out why. You see, I was 11 the last time I saw my father. 11 years, 3 months and 3 days to be exact. And in a few days, my oldest will be that age. I look at him and think about how much of my childhood I missed when my father left. I was daddy's little girl. A little girl who had to become a grown-up within that year. That was the year that my mom had to work 2 jobs to keep food on the table. That was the year that I had to help my mom with my little sister and around the house. My childhood was lost after that day in mid June. I look at my Lucas and think how could a parent leave their child when everything in their life is about to change. In my brain, Lucas isn't old enough to go through the things that I did. Or maybe, I wasn't either, but I just had to.

Now, almost 27 years later, I have finally forgiven him, but I know that I could never let my boys go through the same hurt and pain that I went through. He didn't see me graduate from high school or college and he will not see my boys do that either. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, nor will he have a place of honor at their weddings.

Lucas has asked me before about my father and usually I can tell him that he wasn't a very nice man and he left. I know one day that my answer will not be enough.  I know that I will always do everything humanly possible for my boys not to go through pain.  My Lucas, even at 11, still has an innocence about him. One of his best/worst traits is that he sees the best in people, just like his Momma. And one day, it will hurt him in a way that I won't be able to fix. Until that day, I will try like hell to keep him sheltered from that pain.

January Books

I made a New Years goal to read 38 books this year. I'm doing pretty good with reading a lot more this year. For the last few years, I have been in a reading rut. I haven't been reading much or I have been re-reading books. Last year, I kept a reading log at the end of my journal. I only recorded the new books that I had read. This year, I am doing both. There are certain books that I have re-read many times. These are my 6 January books:

The Choice-Nicholas Sparks

I have been trying to read all of his books. This was one of my favorites. I wanted to read it before the movie came out.

My Horizontal Life-Chelsea Handler

I love celebrities life stories! With that said, I wasn't very impressed with this one. I was speed reading through this one just to get to the end.

Three Wishes-Liane Moriarty

I love her books! This was the one that I have been wanting to read and it did not disappoint!

Murder is Misunderstood (The Bad Mother's Club #1)-Heather Horrocks

This was a free read through my Kindle. I really enjoyed it! I like cozy mysteries and this fit the bill.

Murder to Go (Food Truck Mysteries #1)-Chloe Kendrick

Not one of my favorites, but another cozy mystery. 

Every Last One-Anna Quindlen

I found this book during a snow day and forgot I had it. Actually, one of my best friends gave it to me to read and I had forgotten that I had it. This one was hard to put down after I got about halfway through it. It wasn't what I expected, but it was such a great story!

12 years ago...

...I woke up with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my heart. My dreams of having a baby were gone because my baby was gone. To most people, it wasn't much, but to me it was my world. That day, I lost hope. Lost hope in my friends and family, in my marriage and in myself. I had both friends and family who turned away from me. I think because they didn't know what to say or do. My marriage started to fall apart because my husband had no idea how to handle me. I was not in the best state of mind. I lost hope in my body and blamed myself. No matter what everyone told me, I still blamed myself. I wanted to know everything about having a miscarriage. I read articles and blogs about miscarriages. I bought books to help me figure out what went wrong. Did I do something wrong? Was I too stressed? Did I not deserve to have a baby?

Day 11

Today, I am thankful for all of the military who are serving and those who have served. I am especially thankful for my Pop Pop-Thomas Lucas, my uncle-Howard Lucas, my father-in-law-Jack Williams and my Pop Pop-in-law-John Williams!

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Day 10

Today I am thankful for finding a church. It is a place where I feel welcome and feel like I belong. #30daysofbeingthankful

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Day 9

Today, I am thankful for my hubby-my soul mate, my lover and my friend! He is the father to my children and the man I want holding me every night. He makes me laugh and takes me out of my comfort zone. I♥you, Erik!

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