A post to the man who will never be my boys' grandfather

At the end of last year when my oldest turned 11, I became anxious, Anxious to the point of looking around every corner to see what was coming my way. But, I finally figured out why. You see, I was 11 the last time I saw my father. 11 years, 3 months and 3 days to be exact. And in a few days, my oldest will be that age. I look at him and think about how much of my childhood I missed when my father left. I was daddy's little girl. A little girl who had to become a grown-up within that year. That was the year that my mom had to work 2 jobs to keep food on the table. That was the year that I had to help my mom with my little sister and around the house. My childhood was lost after that day in mid June. I look at my Lucas and think how could a parent leave their child when everything in their life is about to change. In my brain, Lucas isn't old enough to go through the things that I did. Or maybe, I wasn't either, but I just had to.

Now, almost 27 years later, I have finally forgiven him, but I know that I could never let my boys go through the same hurt and pain that I went through. He didn't see me graduate from high school or college and he will not see my boys do that either. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, nor will he have a place of honor at their weddings.

Lucas has asked me before about my father and usually I can tell him that he wasn't a very nice man and he left. I know one day that my answer will not be enough.  I know that I will always do everything humanly possible for my boys not to go through pain.  My Lucas, even at 11, still has an innocence about him. One of his best/worst traits is that he sees the best in people, just like his Momma. And one day, it will hurt him in a way that I won't be able to fix. Until that day, I will try like hell to keep him sheltered from that pain.

January Books

I made a New Years goal to read 38 books this year. I'm doing pretty good with reading a lot more this year. For the last few years, I have been in a reading rut. I haven't been reading much or I have been re-reading books. Last year, I kept a reading log at the end of my journal. I only recorded the new books that I had read. This year, I am doing both. There are certain books that I have re-read many times. These are my 6 January books:

The Choice-Nicholas Sparks

I have been trying to read all of his books. This was one of my favorites. I wanted to read it before the movie came out.

My Horizontal Life-Chelsea Handler

I love celebrities life stories! With that said, I wasn't very impressed with this one. I was speed reading through this one just to get to the end.

Three Wishes-Liane Moriarty

I love her books! This was the one that I have been wanting to read and it did not disappoint!

Murder is Misunderstood (The Bad Mother's Club #1)-Heather Horrocks

This was a free read through my Kindle. I really enjoyed it! I like cozy mysteries and this fit the bill.

Murder to Go (Food Truck Mysteries #1)-Chloe Kendrick

Not one of my favorites, but another cozy mystery. 

Every Last One-Anna Quindlen

I found this book during a snow day and forgot I had it. Actually, one of my best friends gave it to me to read and I had forgotten that I had it. This one was hard to put down after I got about halfway through it. It wasn't what I expected, but it was such a great story!

12 years ago...

...I woke up with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my heart. My dreams of having a baby were gone because my baby was gone. To most people, it wasn't much, but to me it was my world. That day, I lost hope. Lost hope in my friends and family, in my marriage and in myself. I had both friends and family who turned away from me. I think because they didn't know what to say or do. My marriage started to fall apart because my husband had no idea how to handle me. I was not in the best state of mind. I lost hope in my body and blamed myself. No matter what everyone told me, I still blamed myself. I wanted to know everything about having a miscarriage. I read articles and blogs about miscarriages. I bought books to help me figure out what went wrong. Did I do something wrong? Was I too stressed? Did I not deserve to have a baby?