14 years later...

14 years ago yesterday, I married the man that I called my soul mate. I always thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. But, God had other plans for me. It has been over a year since Erik told me that he wanted a divorce and when our anniversary came around last year, I was fighting my hardest to keep my marriage together. Little did I know, it was a lost cause. He had already moved on. He had been having an affair for the last two years.

Even though I have lost my marriage, I have gained so much. I have so many close friends. I have the strength and courage that I didn't have a year ago. I have a faith in God that things will be better. I also have the knowledge that I am worthy and that is something that I have needed since I have been in this emotionally destructive marriage. A marriage where I was controlled and felt like I was worthless.

Tuesday night, I was texting my dear best friend Sarah. I told her that I felt like my anniversary was going to hit me harder than expected. She said, "It won't be easy. This is the year of the firsts. One step at a time." Everyday is like that. One step, one day, one hour and sometimes even one minute at a time. I don't know what I would have done without my friends these last 4 months.

It's not like I was sad or upset yesterday. I think that I just felt lost. I've had to grieve over what I thought my life would be like. I had to give up the dream that we were going to grow old together and buy a house in the Outer Banks to retire to. That we were going to dance at our sons' weddings and babysit our grand babies. Life doesn't always look like what we thought it would. And I'm ok with that.

The other night one of my favorite movies was on--Under the Tuscan Sun. When I heard this quote, it really summed up what I have been feeling.

“Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.”

― Frances Mayes, Under the Tuscan Sun